Hijackalope has been busy, cattle multilations aside. When Phillip Geehawd isn't busy deep-frying neighborhood children in his Fry Daddy he's out back in the shed tearing brand new records like a madman. "Too Pretty For Prison" is Hijackalope's second album for 2007. "In 2008 I'm going to release about 14 albums. Oh, and an EP of Depeche Mode covers."
World leaders the, uh, world over are not as impressed with Hijackalope's musical endeavers as is, for example, Rolling Stone magazine. While the legendary periodical raved that Too Pretty for Prison "blows anything by Linkin Park out of the water," Dick Cheney quipped, "I like shit better than this."
Not content to be "merely another Classic Rock cover band with onstage genital multilation," Hijackalope has once again reinvented themselves on "Gimp Fishin'." Gimp Fishin', which features 19 tracks by Hijack mastermind Phillip Geehawd may be the band's most listenable album ever.
"I tried hard to not sound like I was trying hard," said Geehawd. "Mostly I wanted to make something to pass down to the next generation. Sort of like the Eskimos."
Since the last series of Hijackalope t-shirts were made of biodegradable materials and have since melted back into the Earth to poison the water table of assorted Midwestern cities, the band has decided to release new t-shirts that will last for 10000 years and then be jettisoned into space.
Hijackalope's 8th unstudio release "I-RAQ, U-ROCK, I-ROC" hits convenience stores and full-service car washes this weekend. The enigmatic band has once again reinvented itself as a folk-rap-sewage symphony quartet. Regarding the strange album title, Phillip Geehawd responded "Fer chrissakes, look at the names of the tracks if you think the album name is strange."
The album has the potential to whip up the music scene like a goat fart ignited with a Bic lighter. For starters, God busts a guest-rap on the ghetto flavored "Pimp Pope." Sleeper hit "Teenage Mothermaker" has all the emo kids in tears. And finally "Death to Infidels" has been remixed here into a vertible dance floor destroyer.
"We're really happy with it, of course," says headman Geehawd, "but we're really happy with donuts too. Do you like donuts?"
AP- Footage of the legendary punk rock legend Gary Floyd of the legendary punk rock band "The Dicks" has surfaced on Al Jazzera TV (did we mention he's legendary). The famed famous signer was reported missing by his lesbian cats three weeks ago. Reports indicate that Floyd left in his bitchin' camaro that his parents brought up from the Bahamas (shit, wrong punk band) and went to pay homage to the McDonald's in Mecca, Saudi Arabia. Of course as everyone knows, the McDonald's at Mecca has the best McRibwich.
The militant Islamic reggae polka band, Hijackalope has claimed responsibility for the hijacking. The group demands release of all the camel cleaners from Gitmo and a player to named later in exchange for Floyd. The tape that aired on Al Jazzera and the Lifetime network includes the 'song' Grandma's Nasty Little Boo Boo. Mr. Floyd is shown being threatened at gunpoint and needlepoint, while being coaxed into prank phone calling the CIA. A drum machine and a machinegun where later added to make a song. Listen to it now, you ungrateful fucks!
When reached later for comment, the Pentagon stated, "We don't negotiate with terrorists. Especially for commie fags."
"We made very limited quantities of this album in actual CD form. Most of the copies we made we shipped to North Korea just to be bastards," says Phillip Geehawd regarding Hijackalope's smashing new full-length studio album, Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow up To be Republicans. "We really went balls out on this record," continues Geehawd, "We recorded in an outhouse in the Congo while rebel soliders outside raped all of our roadies."
The album features fabulous drumming by child prodigy Rhythm Trak and guitar playing by Phillip Geehawd. Hijackalope's most tenured band member also forced his many cats into servitude in order to record several tracks. "The cats played all the harmonicas. We shipped them to the Congo in shoeboxes. Some of them didn't make it back alive. Or in one piece anyway," says Geehawd.
Gifted (but not THAT kind of gifted) programmer and vocalist MC Rashasha is working with Phillip GeeHawd and Osama So Huggable on the new, yet-to-be-named Hijackalope album. Rashasha brings to the Hijackalope project a lap-top full of sand and boots full of, well, sand. Freshly back from the land of improvised livestock bombs, Rashasha has recently completed a Tour of Duty (or Tuty Dour as we like to call them around here) and is happy to be back making music again.
"I mean, it's either this or I spend all my time eating English muffins and watching Top Model," mused MC Rashasha from his West Coast abode. "It's not like they're paying me or anything. Sometimes they let me play in the sandbox though."
It has been estimated that Hijackalope may improve by as much as 33.3333% now that MC Rashasha has joined the group. Some of his early audio genius can already be heard on the track Punk Rock Retirement Home from the upcoming record.
Hijackalope and the Christian Coalition visit coma victim Terry Schiavo for an impromptu recording session and photo op. To everyone's surprise, America's hottest coma victim suddenly awakes to play some ripping bebop jazz. Unfortunately the song is only 36 seconds long. Thinking that the plug for the respirator was the plug for the keyboard, Phillip Gee Hawd unplugs Terry thusly ended the horrid Jazz music but also Terry's life of suffering. Mr. Gee Hawd was quoted as saying "Ooops, my bad."
Hurry up and sign up for this year's camp. It's bound to be super awesome. Register on line or stop by our secret location. Call for directions. 1-888-G0-HIJAK.
Camp Hijackalope offers plenty of programs designed to develop mind, spirit, body and extreme Jihadist fundalmentalism. Campers can enjoy our year round swimming facilities, climbing wall and sarin gas production plant. Just look at all our activities!
and maybe one or two more!
In no time your little loved ones will be smuggling weapons, terrorizing local townsfolk and just plain hating American in general. Camp Hijackalope believes building self-esteem is the most important thing in a young child's life. In what better way is that achieved in by hiding out in a dark cave and awaiting the rapture to destroy the great American Satan. We also offer horseback riding. Sign up today!
Hijackalope: Behind the Music
Recently the lost tapes of Hijackalope's appearance on Al Jezerra/VH1's Behind the Music have surfaced. It seems the tapes were left to melt in the hot Baghdad sun in the back seat of Osama So Huggable's Volkswagen Rabbit. The forthcoming exerts are compiled from those tapes, whatever we could salvage. Before completion was um, completed the vehicle in question was in involved in a car bombing in Fallujah. (I swear to Allah that we were not involved.) It also seems that portions of the tape were taped over with an enema fetish video. We included the audio from this video also. So go ahead and enjoy this if you can, you just have to imagine punchy theme music and commercial breaks involving Gatorade drinking super humans and low A.P.R. on shit you don't need.
Announcer: "Hijackalope: Behind the music, under the schmag. The Iraqi super group known as Hijackalope has faced many trails and tribulations. (Actual real trails from the tribunal war crimes commission for crimes against humanity and illegally pirating Britney Spears posters.) From drug abuse, to band break up, Hijackalope has found its highs and lows."
Phillip G. Hawd (Guitar): "I actually did lines of coke off of Elton Johns' ass. I was on top of the world, yet so empty."
Osama So Huggable (Guitar, vocals): "The groupies would come at us like waves of scud missiles. Most would miss, but like tracer fire in midnight sky they were."
Announcer: "Hijackalope were on the fast lane to excess and self destruction. A spiraling spiral that spiraled into the infinite spiral of death. But a light emerged. A beacon in the stormy seas of Iraqi rock stardom."
OSH: "We found strength in hating for a common cause. We knew the infidel Americans were just here to help, but it was a rallying point for us. And man, do I like to blow shit up."
Announcer: "And so began Hijackalope's first career; as international terrorists, bent on world destruction. But it wasn't long after they found their true calling; they soon found a new outlet for their bombs. Yes. Making musical bombs. They could terrorize more people with their outlandish mix of Iraqi Rap/Rock, Post-Punk, Reggae/Polka."
PGH: " We started playing any club we could find with electricity. Then we ran into this bloke named Normal Al, our soon to be manager. Man, if we would've known then what we known now."
Announcer: "Seems that Normal Al Ivanovich wasn't as actually what he seemed it seems."
Normal Al: "I was actually on a covert mission from the CIA or the FDA, I can't quite remember. But I was sent to Basrah to construct a plan for Iraqi pop music reconstruction. I was shocked to learn that no Iraqi pop music ever existed. Therefore I built it from the ground up, one shoddy brick at a time. Then when Hiackalope started making money, I stole it all, freebasing it all away...but would I do it all over again? Fuck yeah!"
Announcer: "As their single "Rape me Elmo" skyrocketed up the charts, Hijackalope were left high and dry...and broke."
Ali Ramone (Lead Bassist): " We were left in a John Carpenter world of the future, bleak as shit, like a fucking third world, Mad Max shit... so we decided to leave Detroit and go back to Baghdad."
Announcer: "That's when Hijackalope got their big break."
(This is where the enema fetish video cuts in.)
Woman1: "Oh shit! That's really uncomfortable ...but, um, sexy, right?"
Doctor Enema: " Yeah, you take that. You like that don't ya?"
Woman2: "Ya know, I'm not getting paid enough for this shit."
Man dressed as Penguin: "Oh yeah, clean that pooper."
Tranny1: "This is lame. I'm leaving."
(Tape cuts back in)
Announcer: "In an act of desperation, Hijackalope kidnaps the Iraqi equivalent of MTV's Carson Daly, MTV163's Mohamed AckBar Mosulmad III, host of MTV Iraq's "Daily Mandate of Music Daily." A few tense moments arise when the bands decides how exactly to be-head the be-loved host."
Phillip G. Hawd: "You know this beheading thing is just kind of played out, you know."
Osama: "I've got a nail clipper on my leatherman if that helps?"
(Tape cuts out to hot girl on girl enema action.)
Announcer: "Then it was back to Los Angles to attend the 58th annual Grammy Awards."
Phil: "I sat next to Eminem, he smelled like peanut brittle."
Grammy Announcer: "And the award for best Iraqi Rap Rock group goes to...(drum roll) Limp Burqa!"
Announcer: "Then chaos ensued. A sharp rocket blast came from the crowd incinerating all the members from Limp Burqa."
Grammy Announcer: "Correction! The winner is...(god help me) Hijackalope!"
Osama So Huggable: "That was the proudest moment of my life. That and when I did some female circumcision on my wife(s)."
Announcer: "Blessed with gold records, the Hijackalope crew was at the top of the world. But soon enough that world would deflate like a delicate soufflˇ. A soufflˇ made of greed, jealousy and rocket propelled grenade launchers."
Phillip G. Hawd: "I was buying two or three gold plated AK-47's a day. I was out of control."
(Tape switches between hardcore pornography and NCAA hockey finals, Colorado College vs. UND.)
Announcer: "Even with the death of 97% of its members, Hijackalope still continues to play the county fair/ car wax convention circuit. Osama So Huggable is a massage therapist at the Red Rocks Resort at Sedona, Arizona."
Osama: "There isn't much difference between being a terrorist and a therapist. If you're imposing your will upon someone with an Ak-47 or a bunch on heated stones and cucumbers, it really doesn't make a difference."
Announcer: "When asked if he gives reach-arounds, Osama pushes the camera back."
Osama: "This golf resort is a jungle! You do whatever you need to do to survive!"
Announcer: "Phillip Gee Hawd started his own merkin distribution center called "Persian Rugs are Us." (Merkins are toupees for pubic hair in case you are wondering, yes, there is a name for everything.)
Phil: "Yes, I am sorry for the 28 times I overdosed and the 3 hookers I "accidentally" killed. But would I do it all over again? ...I'm not sure that I actually did any of it."
(Rest of tape is unusable, it's either a Russian snuff film or Pee Wee's Playhouse, we don't know.)
Hijackalope honored by Rolling Stone
(Stolen from Rolling Stone editor's desk by clandestine Hijackalope operatives/cleaning ladies)
In secret evidence compiled from recent intelligence, Hijackalope has learned that Rolling Stone has included one of our songs in their "Top 500 songs of all time" issue. Coming in at 501 is Hijackalope's hit 2004 single, "They Creep." This is what Rolling Stone had to say about our song. "It is at best confusing. The listener does not know whether the subject is about senior citizens or blood starved zombies. The song is barely listenable and also racist to American Indians." Now that's glowing praise.
When the Hijackalope staff was informed that this poll contained 500 songs and "They Creep" was nominated 501st, they were slightly incensed to say the least. A music Jihad was called upon Rolling Stone, it's staff, it's publisher and future generations of all parties involved. Due to lack of funds, land mines and rpg fire were substituted with smoke bombs and woopie cushions. Operatives also placed saran wrap over toilets at Rolling Stone offices. Those infidels will think twice the next time they dis Hijackalope, otherwise the pee will be on their shoes. (place evil laughter here.)
Rare Hijackalope Concert T-shirts on Sale!
A case of extremely rare Hijackalope t-shirts from the 2002 "Crosshares" World tour has recently surfaced at the American offices of Hijackalope. These shirts appear to be mostly unworn, though some appear faintly bloodstained. We're offering these shirts up for sale for a mere $16 (postage inculded) and we'll make sure to send you one of the cleaner, newer ones if you order now!
The Hijackalope tshirt comes in whatever size you need and is avaliable in several alluring colors (mostly white, black and a royal guard blue). The prints on the shirt are heat transfers, not silkscreen. They are durable and should have a long life, provided you don't wash them on the stones in front of your hut. The design shows a proud Hijackalope brandishing an AK-47.
Email us through our contact page and demand your shirt today! We take Paypal. All terrorists do.
Bonus offer! Send us a picture of yourself atop a pile of naked, oiled prisoners of war holding a big sign that says "Hijackalope My Mom" and we'll send YOU a free tshirt! But it has to be real. No cheating/photoshopping/using your wife and her friends as "prisoners", etc.
No wait! There's more! Hijackalope stickers are coming soon! We'll post news about those as it comes in from the front.
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!
Actually fuck all that emailing us about the shirts stuff. Buy the shirts directly from Merch-Bot.com! They've got at least 2 kinds of Hijackalope Stickers too!
Hijackalope - The Rolling Stone Interview
Editor's Note: This article reprinted without permission.
I was given specific instructions to meet with Hijackalope, the biggest band to come out Baghdad since the Wailers. I was to come alone, unarmed and stand outside my hotel with a dozen glazed donuts. Four hours past the suggested time, three armed men piled out of an unmarked Chevy Citation, blindfolded me and shoved me into the hatchback. The car skidded off made a U-turn and parked on the other side of the street. I heard one of them scream, "We're here, man." Then I heard the other reply, "Dave's not here, man." The hatch opened and I felt the stock of an AK-47 jab me in the back of the neck. A warm trickle of blood rolled down my temple as I blacked out.
I awoke to a warm stream of liquid and a strong sulfur smell. "You must be the Information Minister from this Rolled Stoning magazine, I sure do like stonings, call me old fashioned."
"You must be Phillip Gee Hawd, please stop peeing on me." I said. "And you must be Osama So Huggable." I look over to the other side of the hotel room to see another Middle Eastern fellow lighting a cigar with a stick of dynamite. He turned to me and said, "Well let's get this shit over, Rupaul is coming over to play Pictionary and, man, she's hot."
Rolling Stone: Well fellas, you sure know how to make an introduction.
Phillip Gee Hawd: We are wanted men we have to take precautions.
RS: Hey, but I can see my hotel from the window!
Osama So Huggable: No, that is not same hotel. Many building look a like in United States, like those McDonalds and Wallsmarts.
RS: Okay, what ever. So Hijackalope? That is a pretty clever moniker. It really displays the invented specter of terrorism perpetrated by the Bush presidency. An excuse for civil rights violation and unwarranted body cavity searches. The jackalope is just as real as the threat to most Americans from terrorism.
PGH: What the fuck are you talking about? It's a fucking "jackalope" who gets "High."
OSH: Yeah, he's fucking baked out of his mind dude. Hey, did you see that movie where that guy smoked so much pot he turned into a lizard? Man, that was trippy.
PGH: Shut up man, that still gives me nightmares.
RS: Moving on. How did you guys meet?
OSH: Before the last invasion of you infidel scum (America, GW Bush, et al), I was actually going to sentence my fine friend here Phillip to a public beheading. Then the air sirens went off and we went home. Every time America invades we take they day off. It's kind of like a snow day for most people here.
RS: Why were you going to be executed?
PGH: I refused to pay the Moustache Tax.
RS: Moustache Tax?
OSH: You don't have a moustache tax?
RS: No. But now you seem to be the best of friends.
OSH: We were selected by the Pentagon to head this new Iraqi entertainment reconstruction program. Basically they think if we have our own entertainment we're less likely to pirate your entertainment.
PGH: It's also a platform to control the populace with subconscious mind control shit. Just like they do here with that stupid show "Friends." Come on that shit ain't funny and it was on forever.
RS: You did mind sacrificing your artistic ideals for sadistic mind control?
OSH: Well, we did help re-elect that Bush douche bag.
PGH: Naw, we're better off with him in the White House. If he were in the private sector he would be running the companies that he would work for into the ground. But if he's the President of the US, he's making a shitload of money for other companies he has stock in by fighting these bullshit wars.
RS: You don't mind that he's doing this at the expense of your country?
OSH: That place is a shithole.
PGH: Naw son, we gots to get ours. (rubs fingers together)
RS: So you're starting out in your North American tour shortly. Are you worried about backlash to some of your appearances?
PGH: Naw son, we're armed to the teeth.
OSH: And I got 40 virgin bitches waiting for me if I get capped.
PGH: Naw son, I got me 90 bitches and 90 forties, forget that virgin bullshit, I like šem loose in the caboose.
RS: Do you have any messages for your new American fans?
OSH: Your infidel blood will run in the streets. Fountains of blood. Allah and my homies will have our revenge for what you assholes did 400 years ago. Infidel mothufukkahs!
PGH: Yeah all that and shit. Oh and thirteen cents from our $40 tickets go to the Sierra Club.
RS: Can you untie me now?
Hijackalope resurrected as Androids after Club Attack?
Members of Hijackalope were among the missing on Wednesday, Sept. 22, after a Sears brand hot water heater exploded in the basement of Club Hammas where the band was completing the final song on their set list. Phillip GeeHawd, Osama So Huggable and the Mosh Goat where amoung those onstage during the ill-fated performance.
As Phillip Geehawd blasted out the last chords to "They Creep," which the band played as an encore to a crowd of several screaming Iraqi ex-policemen, the floor erupted in a torrent of concrete, rebar and pirated X-box parts. Band members and concert goers alike were torn into small pieces resembling bloody Mini Wheats.
Workmen sorting through the debris and remains on Thursday, however, found no traces of the Hijackalope members or their appendages. Speculation around the Tikrit urban center is that the bodies of Hijackalope band members were quickly removed from the premises to undergo rapid biomechinical surgery and tissue resurrection in secret underground labs. These claims may be prove impossible to prove unless Hijackalope performs another show in Iraq and even then any robotic parts or additions may be difficult to spot.
The Tikrit show was one of several unannouced special concerts Hijackalope has performed lately to boost Iraqi morale. Hijackalope, currently (and possibly no longer) on tour in North America, has made many lengthy government-chartered plane trips in recent months to put on these unique appearences.
At the time of publication, Hijackalope was still unaccounted for. Manager Normal Al wasn't too worried about their well-being but did comment on the situation at Club Hammas. "Them policemen in the audience were the goddamn problem," said band manager Normal Al, "I should have known someone would try to blow them up. Hijackalope was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."
No group or individual has of yet come forward to claim responsibility for the attack.
Hijackalope Detonates, Feeds Hungry Mob
AP Reporter Marvin Feelsgoodmostly
An apparent suicide bombing shattered the recent peacefulness in the Iraqi city of Mosul this Thursday when a devoted Hijackalope-affiliated militant detonated his explosive undergarments on a crowded city street. "Luckily no one was hurt except some Iraqis," a spokesman for the Army announced at a press conference. The bomber, identified as one Abu Abdul Abulla Ayman Al-Zawahiri Abdelkarim, has been tied to the emerging power-pop band Hijackalope. A copy of Hijackalope's critically acclaimed album "Weapons of Mass Confusion," was found nearby the bomber's carcass.
In an interesting twist of fate, the heat from the explosion instantly cooked Abu Abdul Abulla Ayman Al-Zawahiri Abdelkarim to a well-done and quite edible state. The crowd, famished by famine and now even more grief, quickly descended on the remains of the bomber and happily passed around his smoking appendages.
Ivan Hurlbutt(AP) compiled from source material
Today in testimony from the Abu Ghraib prison scandal investigation, Sgt. Phillip M. McCracken, U.S. Army, divulged yet another means of cruel and unusual punishment. The investigation panel then heard from Exhibit 32C, or more precisely from the album "Weapons of Mass Confusion" by the "band," Hijackalope. Sgt. McCracken states that prisoners were subjected to long hours of this "music" played at similar decibels to that of "WWE Smackdown" or "a thousand Mexicans with a thousand leaf blowers."
Sgt. McCracken went at length to describe the atrocities in full length in detail. "We tried to train the prisoners as 'Pavlov's dogs' subjecting them to forced Maglite sodomy every time we played the Elmo song. We played 'Tee-ball' whenever we stacked the Iraqis like beer cans. It was just something we did after lunch and before 'Judge Judy' came on."
The meeting was quickly adjourned after the commission requested to hear "said music of mass destruction." One panelist was quoted sobbingly, "The Humanity, the humanity." Senator Orin Hatch of Utah made a damned big point of saying, "It makes the baby Jesus cry."
A Concert Review From "The Rocket," Seattle, WA
By Snare Belvedere
The mystery that is called "Hijackalope" was nearly solved at last Thursday's show at the Breakroom. Playing to an almost empty floor lead man Osama So Huggable and lead guitarist Phillip "G" Hawd paraded their Orange County version of reggae polka to a dozen and a half apathetic ears. The Austin by-way-of Seattle-by-way of Abu Dhabi eleven-tuplet's set consisted mainly of Dean Martin-esque lounge with Ronnie James Dio stylings and faggy-ass lyrics. The band did show some depth by playing a cover of Run-DMC's "You be Illin'" and then bused the tables.
The only thing that saved this train wreck was an actual train wreck that happened two blocks away that sent out a toxic fume, shutting down most of the downtown area.